Bond Night gambles with Diamonds Are Forever and ends up rich with memories of Jimmy Dean the Sausage Guy, Blofeld in drag, and a faked moon landing!
By Michael O’Connor // Welcome to Bond Night! This month we go scouring for a diamond in the rough with 1971’s Diamonds Are Forever! With Sean Connery returning and Goldfinger‘s director Guy Hamilton back at the helm, Diamonds looks like a safe bet. But is there anything priceless to discover here, or are we just digging up quartz? Only one thing’s for certain: even if the movie doesn’t hit the jackpot, Bond Night guarantees you and your friends will still feel like a million bucks.
HISTORY
Speaking of a million bucks, Sean Connery not only felt like it after this film; he actually got it. Connery scored £1.25 million for returning to James Bond when George Lazenby declined to renew his license to kill. At the time, that amount was the highest any film actor had ever been paid. And yet despite the huge payday, the acrimony between Connery and the producers was reportedly as intense as ever.
Unfortunately, I’m not sure the producers got their money’s worth. Only four years earlier, Connery had starred in You Only Live Twice; while he may have sleepwalked through most of that film, he still looked the part of the debonair super-spy. Compare those images to how he appears here and it’s remarkable. Not only has he put on a substantial amount of weight, but he also looks as if he’s aged three times as much.
Superficialities aside, Connery’s performance just isn’t up to snuff. With his tongue so far in cheek that it’s practically popping through, the menace and focus of the character is gone. This is James Bond as lounge lizard: lazy, unkempt, and amused, but never dangerous, sharp, or cunning. He may have been invisible in YOLT, but here he’s almost contemptuous of the role, a self-parody that may actually be the more disappointing performance. Going out on Twice would have been a fizzle; but this is like a spit in the face and a kick in the kneecaps.
All told, Diamonds Are Forever reeks of desperation. Not only did the producers buckle by bringing back Connery; they also completely ditched the grounded tone of Majesty’s, ignored the downbeat ending, and devolved into the campiest Bond yet (arguably ever). When you factor in bringing back both Goldfinger‘s director, Guy Hamilton, and singer, Shirley Bassey, there’s a sense the producers had lost their nerve to take chances. That’s a remarkable turnaround for a franchise that was so confident and compelling.
But there’s a silver (or diamond encrusted) lining to all this. The film may not have been the gritty, emotional sequel to On Her Majesty’s Secret Service many modern Bond fans can only dream about; but audiences of the time responded favorably. Keep in mind that the late 60s and early 70s were a breeding ground for campy entertainment. Audiences adored the pop art of Andy Warhol, the colorful shenanigans of the Batman television show and the flamboyant showmanship of Liberace.
Naturally a campy, twisty James Bond yarn about a superlaser satellite covered in diamonds, two gay hitmen, a Howard Hughes stand-in, a crossdressing Blofeld and a tongue-in-cheek Connery uttering absurd double entendres in a thick Scottish brogue set in glitzy Las Vegas fit right into the zeitgeist. Ticket sales back that up; Diamonds gave the franchise a much-needed rebound after Majesty’s less stellar receipts, putting it on equal footing with You Only Live Twice‘s grosses.
And to its credit, the behind the scenes anguish and hand-wringing doesn’t come across in the finished film. Thanks to Guy Hamilton’s direction, it’s a confident production with a consistent tone; that’s more than you can say for You Only Live Twice and even parts of Thunderball (and plenty of Bond films to follow). Honestly, if there’s a Bond film that could easily be adapted into a huge musical hit on the Las Vegas Strip, it’s this one; how you feel about that probably determines whether you’ll love or loathe it. But before we fall down that rabbit hole shaped diamond mine, let’s cash in our chips at the dinner table.
DINE
At first, this was a tough one. Previous Bond films had been set in countries with an established, respected cuisine. But what do you eat to embody the Las Vegas experience?
One of my friends had the answer. Steak and eggs.
His reasoning? After a long night gambling, there’s nothing like hitting the buffet and scooping mounds of scrambled eggs and spearing thick steak onto your plate. I couldn’t agree more, and for his part, I feel like the James Bond of the novels would feel the same. Bond’s creator Ian Fleming indulged in his share of food fetishization in the pages of his novels, and never more so than when he was talking about scrambled eggs or a prime cut of meat.
Given the potentially high price from a steakhouse restaurant, you’ll probably want to look to local diners for takeout. We found a place in our neighborhood that delivered the experience beautifully. Not too refined, mind you, but very much the greasy, filling, satisfying indulgence of a Vegas casino’s buffet… and at a price that left plenty of funds in our pockets for some gambling fun later in the evening.
DRINK
There is no more ubiquitous bourbon cocktail than the Old Fashioned. Any barman in the world who hasn’t at least heard of it doesn’t deserve his shaker and strainer. Unfortunately, just because it’s ubiquitous doesn’t mean it’s usually well made. Order an Old Fashioned at the wrong place and you’ll end up with a murky, syrupy, sweet concoction filled with orange pulp and topped with a sugary artificial cherry. James Bond wouldn’t touch that with the barrel of his Walther PPK and neither should you.
What you’re actually looking for is a rich, assertive drink with prominent flavors of oak, vanilla, and caramel from the bourbon and a citrusy acidity and zest provided by the bitters and a twist of orange peel. The drink shouldn’t be sweet; the simple syrup or sugar water is just there to cut the harsh edges off the bourbon and tie everything together smoothly.
The trick, as always, is to keep it simple. Bond didn’t bother with a lot of mixers and fruit in his glass. He liked his drinks strong enough that he could taste the base spirit, and of all the myriad alcohols he imbibed, bourbon was his favorite; at least in the novels, including Diamonds Are Forever.
Specifically, he preferred the bonded 100-proof version of Old Grand-Dad. After drinking it for myself, I’m convinced he knew what he was talking about. Served neat, it’s a beast of a bourbon, but served with a little water or ice, or in an Old Fashioned, it’s a regal beauty. Best of all, that regality won’t cost you. In my market, it runs just $22.
That said, if you already have a favorite bourbon, feel free to substitute it here. Anything good will do the trick.
Old Fashioned
- 2 ounces of Old Grand-Dad 100-Proof Bourbon
- 2-3 dashes of Angostura bitters
- 1/4 oz (or less) of simple syrup
- orange peel
- large ice cube
Directions
In your glass, add simple syrup, bitters and bourbon. Stir to combine the ingredients and then drop in a large ice cube. Cut a large, wide orange peel (not a wedge) and twist it over the glass. Rub it along the rim before dropping it into the drink.
INTERMISSION
Pause the film at the 1:18:45 mark or just after Mr. Kidd says “Try, try again, Mr. Wint.” Then return to the bar and serve everyone another round of Old Fashioneds. This is a great opportunity to get the halftime report from your friends and see how everyone is faring so far on the film.
VERDICT
“Corny,” “campy,” “absurd,” “ridiculous”… “but entertaining” were the words my friends used to describe Diamonds Are Forever. I warned them that expecting a proper sequel to Majesty’s was a surefire way to be disappointed. But even with that warning, my friends were puzzled by the decision to turn Blofeld into such a cartoon. How had Bond’s most mysterious, ruthless and resilient foe been reduced to such a mustache-twirling stereotype? And what in the world is going on in that scene where Blofeld is dressed like a lady? As one friend pointed out, he has a secret passageway in the basement of his building, so the dame getup is completely unnecessary for escaping town unnoticed. Plus: why the eye makeup underneath the large sunglasses?
For my part, I can partially get behind Charles Gray’s performance of Blofeld. When he’s not crossdressing, he’s so sanctimonious and arrogant that he at least feels more in line with the Blofeld of From Russia With Love or Thunderball than Donald Pleasance’s trollish character from You Only Live Twice. Even the drag scene kind of works with this version of the character and the film’s absurdist anything-goes sexuality. The real question is who is he trying to fool on that oil rig dressing Tiffany Case in the world’s most revealing bikini?
Truly, the only way to enjoy Diamonds Are Forever is to embrace it for what it is, rather than project upon it lofty expectations of a grounded Fleming-esque thriller. And as a campy, absurdist romp, it proved a hit among some of my friends. One guy pointed out that at least the campiness made sense in this film, rather than coming out of nowhere like the jetpack in Thunderball or the helicopter with the car magnet in You Only Live Twice. For him, the off-the-wall zaniness of Diamonds was the perfect experience to share with friends over drinks, heckling the nonsensical narrative, the outrageous characters, and out-of-left-field moments like Connery commandeering a moon buggy from the set of the faked lunar landing.
However the true highlights of the film were the characters Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd. The ironic love for these two was strong during our screening. What was it about them that so delighted my friends? Perhaps it’s their creepy, sadistic manner, or their monotone delivery of such terrible puns. Or maybe it’s how they speak so formally to one another despite the strong insinuation they are lovers. And then there’s the way that James Bond dispatches Mr. Wint in the final moments of the film; I won’t ruin it for you, but suffice it to say, it’s so silly you won’t be able to stifle a chuckle. One friend said he’d gladly watch a spin-off film with just those two characters. I had to let him down easy, informing him that no such film exists.
But not every character played to my audience as favorably as the villains.
Every time Willard Whyte opened his mouth to speak, the effect was like nails on a chalkboard. Who was the genius that hired Jimmy Dean of sausage company fame to play a character modeled after Howard Hughes? Loud-mouthed and obnoxious with a thick Southern drawl and not a spark of intelligence behind the eyes, Whyte has got to be one of the most blistering digs at American culture in a James Bond film; and that’s saying something when you consider the likes of other American lamebrains like Felix Leiter (in all his myriad forms), J.W. Pepper and Jack Wade.
But he’s not even the worst of it. That dubious honor goes to Jill St. John’s Tiffany Case. Look, a Bond Girl is a low bar to vault, but St. John doesn’t just miss it, she rolls around in the mud beneath it. The moment they reach Vegas, St. John starts performing her lines like she’s reading off a cue card, and her character devolves from being a sly jewel thief into a total airhead. She’s easily one of the worst Bond Girls of all time, but with Diana Rigg’s commanding performance still fresh in our memories, the contrast was all the more pronounced. By the time that Tiffany is hiding a cassette tape in her bikini bottom and shooting herself off an oil rig, we were all out of groans and eye-rolls.
Speaking of that oil rig, Diamonds’ final battle has to be the limpest of any Bond film thus far. Not only is an oil rig the least exciting villain base of all time; but there is absolutely no reason why the good guys couldn’t just drop a giant bomb on it. Smuggling in the cassette tape to swap out with the one running Blofeld’s diamond satellite superlaser was completely unnecessary. He’s out in the middle of the ocean! There’s no fear of collateral damage and no chance of him being able to defend himself from attack. Plus, if you blow up the oil rig, you take out Tiffany Case at the same time. Win win.
RANK
Diamonds Are Forever regularly ranks as one of the worst Bond films of all time, and I’m not going to disagree with the conventional wisdom. But here’s the thing: there are bad James Bond films that are practically unwatchable and bad James Bond films that are boring; Diamonds is neither. It’s at least entertaining, especially if you can get onboard with the campiness and tongue-in-cheek humor. For that reason, it ranks for me ever so slightly above You Only Live Twice. And unlike some of the earlier, slower-paced and more serious Bond films, Diamonds is a blast to watch with friends. Just don’t be stingy with the Old Fashioneds.
- Goldfinger
- From Russia With Love
- On Her Majesty’s Secret Service
- Dr. No
- Thunderball
- Diamonds Are Forever
- You Only Live Twice
Bond Night Will Return with Live and Let Die…
About Bond Night
Bond Night is a tradition started between myself, a bonafide Bondian, and friends whose exposure to the James Bond film franchise was limited. One film a month is paired with a region-appropriate cuisine and cocktail, and spirited discourse about each film’s merits and shortcomings. The goal of this column is to translate that experience here, walking newbies and Bond-experts alike through fifty years of the British super-spy’s cinematic history (from Dr. No through today) and declassifying all the secret intel necessary for you to host your own Bond Night with friends and family.